Me as a child

I was beaten and abused as a child and my mother didn’t do anything about it. She says she didn’t know. Perhaps it is so. Perhaps it isn’t so. But some things my mother has said to me make me think that she perhaps wanted me to be beaten… my mother hates my father. She says she never loved him. She says she hates him. She says she petied him. She never said she loved me either, until my sibling told her she needed to say it. My mother only said it to me one time, that I can remember. My father has never said he loves me. Not any of my steph fathers either. My sibling cannot even say it loves anyone… this is the dysfunctional family I grew up in. My aunt says my mother couldn’t show me affection, that is how my aunt experiences my childhood. I think these things have made it hard for me, being a fully functioning person. I am dysfunctional.
I have said I love to my sibling a lot. I always could hug and I hugged a lot. I still do. I like hugging. But I am also dysfunctional. I am trying to say more often that I love people, because I really do. But I don’t hug people that do not wanna be hugged, or that don’t show me they wanna be hugged… I don’t want people to hug me if they do not want to hug me. For me it is easier to write down that I love than to actually say it, but I have tried to make myself say it more often. I don’t say it that much to my partner, nor my kid. Sometimes it happens. I say it to the pets and my friends a lot. My kids in school say it a lot. They say they love me. Much better than feeling hated. I wanna be better in the love department. Saying I love you. I do it in my art and my written words… but to those that you live with… you want the words to mean something… I guess when you are on each other… and everyday problems come a long it is harder to say those words… because I don’t know if they are true. Do they need to be true to be spoken? I don’t know. It is like that with truth and lies. Some lies might benefit you. I sometimes am on love mode and sometimes I run om empty space, where I don’t feel the love. Do I need to feel the love to say it? Am I lying when I don’t? I don’t know. What is love really? Your guess is as good as mine.

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