What job?

I don’t know. My senses want to go to my old hometown, but I don’t wanna live at my siblings… and I don’t wanna work with that subject 80% of the time. I haven’t gotten an apartment and its not the right subject other than 20%. God knows how long it takes to get an apartment. That job is only for one semester and it is not fun to rent for such a short period either. I don’t like early mornings. Stockholm offers me my subject. I like my own subject, since I have didactic competence in it. Everything says to me, don’t take the job in Stockholm, but it is 2000SEK more paid. I have living premisis. It pays me salary all next year, even summer holidays. It is my own subject. It isn’t a bad school. It is a good job, just very hectic. Many classes, since most classes are half classes. But they are 60 minutes each… so I cannot compare it to 9 classes á 100 minutes each. But I have more classes in minutes anyway. 20 classes is double what I had before. Half classes, that means double… But they are only 60 minutes… but still it is some more teaching hours. The problem is I have  partner… and it annoys me much of the time… I’m so tired of my partner part of the time. I wish it moved out. Fucking just moved out. I wanna split a lot of days. I would like to live alone. But not in Stockholm. I wanna live in my hometown. Fuck. The wrong job in the right city and the right job in the wrong city. Well semi wrong, since it is an area where I would be able to afford an apartment. Why couldn’t I have gotten the right job in my hometown? Everything is so complicated. What am I to do? I cannot change my messy partner. I am so tired of how much it messes up and never does anything complete. It always lacks some in tasks. Misses something all the time. Annoying. It has been doing a really bad job in keeping the kids room tidy and neat. I found clothes almost anywhere in the kids room. It was a mess. I got furious of my partner yesterday and told it the cleaning had to be done before anything else was done. I started cleaning it up, but then I understood how messy it was I just walk out and told my partner to do it. I couldn’t understand how neglected the kids room was. “It’s normal for kids to mess up.” That is my partners response. I don’t fucking care. It’s not normal for a parent to not fix it with or without the kid. It doesn’t get that messy in one day. It must have been days of neglect when I was in my hometown working. My partner priorises shit in life. “Having fun”. Much more fun than having a clean, nice, tidy home without dust and germs. A lot of days I am thinking that I cannot live with a shithole like that anymore. It gives me grey hair and anxiety. I hate my partner to much of the time. I wrote out the divorce papers, but my partner refused to sign them. I am so tired of my partner, you don’t even understand. I want my partner to change. Do more. Going to my hometown was an escape from this marriage. I felt free and its sad that I ended up in a bad work place in my hometown. It is sad that the work place I now got only has my subject one day per week. I really wanted to break out from this marriage. I wanted to for a long time. But I am fucking stuck. I wanna sell this house. I want my own apartment at least, since I couldn’t afford a house up here in Stockholm. I want my money. “Now is not the right time to sell”. “You’ll loose money.” I don’t fucking loose anything. Everything I get is a winning. So who cares if the house is worth 4,5 million or 4 million? It’s still a winning. My partner doesn’t change, I’ve tried for so many years to make it take responsiblity for keeping a tidy house… I don’t like my partners fucked up priorities. The kid must be told to clean the room, otherwise it never does it. The kid is a good kid and does clean the room if I tell it to. My partner thinks being a kind parent is to never have any demands…? I don’t know. I am demanding. Rules. My partner has potential to be a good partner, but doesn’t deliver. So I am unhappy with my current situation. When I am home I tend to want food all the time. Thinking my unhappy marriage is part of the fat I have gained. I seek comfort in food. Perhaps wanting my partner to move out from the fat ugly partner? My mum said something stupid to me. “You don’t want people to like you. That is why you are fat.” “If you loose that weight people will se how beautiful you really are.” Fuck her. I don’t want people to just look at apperance, I am still a besserwisser with or without weight. My mum is to fixated on beauty. I am not. If the world thinks fat people are ugly, well then it is their problem. I told my partner I rather be in my hometown. I wanna escape my partner. I don’t like the mess it makes. I am gonna leave if that doesn’t change. I have told it. However if it is in Stockholm, it remains to be seen. Some people I know have separated and live apart, in two apartments. They are still married, but don’t have to see the partner’s mess. That is an option. Having my own place and getting my partner to its own place, so I don’t have to stand the mess it creates.

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