Pain & work

I never learn, do I? The elevator stopped working, so I took the stairs and carried the stuff. I pushed the box with my bad leg, cannot stand on it alone, have to stand on the other. So that was today’s mistake. My knee felt pain. I did something stupid. I sat down and thought to myself, why am I this stupid? Why? Because the kids don’t have all their stuff. Stuff for doing what they want. And I haven’t had time until today to unpack it all. When I have time… the elevator doesn’t work. So what do you do? You do it… and then your leg is fucked. So in pain I will have a nice weekend. Yeah. Sometimes I wonder why we do these things… don’t think of ourselves as egoists and just leave it be? I never learn, do I? I really don’t care about myself enough to say no? I should have used the kids to carry for me… they would have done it. At least I now have more stuff. But I haven’t gotten everything I need in the class room. I lack papers. I need papers. I have to bring them with me this weekend. I have a lot at home. I have promised the kids.

I have gotten into the computer system… but not the email system. I will try it out again tomorrow, now when I know my user. I however have access to all Google systems. My boss had forgotten to approve me in the system, that was the reason why it didn’t work. Better late then never. Step by step. At least the kids have tasks uploaded now. But I still need to break down my pedagogic planning, I cannot place it as is, the kids would be overwhelmed. I try to release the tasks, step by step. I don’t want to make ’em feel its an impossible task by giving to much information at once.

Today my mother came and visited me and my sibling. We talked. I said I never felt loved, because my mother never tells me she loves me. My mum thinks she shows love. But I told her it is not enough, she needs to say it to me. I told her she says it to my child, then she said, but the kids needs to hear it. Fuck. I need to hear it too. I said I don’t feel loved by anyone. My partner doesn’t say it either. But perhaps my partner don’t love me anymore? It’s alright. I don’t know if I do. On a friend level I do, but as a lover’s love? Well. I don’t know. After these decades, what are you supposed to feel? Well. My cousins says it, that they both love me. One of them calls me precious. Hehe. It has loved me from the day I was born. My cousin is like my older brother I never had.But he’s far away in another land… and I don’t feel loved. I need to hear it. I never do. Maybe I am not loved? My mum then said it loved me and said it was sorry it was bad in saying it to me. I said some things that I don’t like about what my mother did. My mum finally said sorry for that too. Before, when I said it, she never said sorry. I think that was a improvement and I believe it’s because my sibling said that mum needs to say these things. My sibling has heard me say I love my sibling many times. Say it to the people you love, they don’t know it per automatic, even if you believe they do. Like is not the same as loving. Like is easier. Love is also easy for some, but not for everyone. It’s easy to love. Do you let yourself love? We all have our issues. Love can be easy and complicated at the same time.

This week I had both principals visiting my class room, even my group boss. I like when they do. They too get to see what we are working on. I haven’t had time to visit my colleagues class rooms, even though I would like to do that.


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