I should send someone else to an interview for a summer job. I really should. Someone with an ear piece and a microphone. I should give all the answers, but send someone that isn’t fat and looks good. A skinny version of me. See if I would get the job. Really I should send different people with my name to many interviews and check it out, what looks they like. Still my answers to everything. One should really do that. Just to see what kind of person gets the job, since I am behind all the answers it is just the job and the looks that would be different. A correct comparison would be if I sent the same looks to different jobs and than did the other people to the jobs to, but impossible since they don’t have anonymous applications really. You see the interviewed at the interview and therefore know the name. Couldn’t have the same name on the candidate. The name they have done research on. Same CV, different name. Swedish names got called more often to interviews. Hmmm…. I wonder what kind of results such research would give? Hmmm… I wish I could send an avatar to my jobs.
On-the-job-training is also difficult. I have so low confidence so its terrible when I get critic. I just fail in receiving critic. I then think about it, far to much. I get a little bit sad. I twist the critic in my mind and I tell my partner about it and as usual it says it isn’t that bad. But I somewhat die inside from critic. I have such a bad life in this department. I get so sad and depressed. I really cannot handle critic. I haven’t told the current tutor about my past life. I really haven’t felt I could. I know I should. I did that at my on-the-job-training at the other job. It was good that I did that. But this time my practise period isn’t as many hours. I think it is good I get the critic, but my problem is I don’t know what I really do wrong and how to handle it really. I just get insecure and sad. I really get part-time-depressed. I go down in mood to a negative dark grey nuance of feelings. I don’t like myself and think I am totally useless piece of shit. I diss myself a lot. I never learn how to socialize right. I just never do. Still I am considered perfect in that area in other ways, but no, I cannot read people sometimes. This time I couldn’t, but then I don’t know them. It was unexpected to get critic. So I’m depressed right now. Had to write it down, get it out of my system.
Then I have to seek summer jobs… A summer class had been nice though, but I don’t have rights to student funds during the summer. I have to ask for dispensation and I don’t know if they would grant me that. I am so poor. I wish I at least had some money during the summer. I cannot get a-kassa as long as I am a student. So no such bless. I really don’t like looking for jobs. That depresses me. I really get a terrible feeling browsing job ads. I really don’t want to work. I cannot help it. Don’t ever think I will be able to really work. I really get so negative against having a regular job. I cannot even explain. You are not me and I don’t expect anyone to understand the feeling of feeling bad, looking for non existent work and work I really don’t want. I really don’t like working. On-the-job-training is okay. But a real job… other than being a temp… I really don’t think I can handle another failure in that department. I rather not work. But I still need money each month and I really don’t have any other than the student fund this semester. I have no financing other than my partner after that. What a bad outcome. Poor, living in a house none of us would be able to buy today. I wouldn’t even be allowed to lend… not even rent, since I have no real income right now during my studies.