An interview

I was at an interview for a project job. But when I had been there it just felt wrong. It felt as if I was totally drained on energy after the interview, or was it the classes that drained me? I don’t think the classes drained me, but I do think the interview and the work environment drained me. I felt it was a nice work place, but the work tasks where so unsuited for me. I don’t like working with such tasks in that specific environment. I have a totally other focus and experience. The work was something I usually do, but not with the type of people in question. It felt totally wrong to have that focus on the work tasks with such people. Not for me. Even my sibling said it wouldn’t suit me. My partner was against me not wanting to work with it. I however sent a message saying what I was more used to work with and that I have no experience in the other focus. I didn’t say no, but I am hoping they understand I have no experience. I don’t want the job, I hope they find someone else. But I cannot tell them I don’t want the job. I cannot tell them clear out. I am not allowed by the rules. I can only say what my experience is and what I am used to work with and that I have no experience of the wanted work tasks. I don’t want the project job. Since I am going to be a student real soon, I am hoping they take good time to decide… and that they are too late. I start my real studies soon enough. Not much time left until the university starts. I won’t be “unemployed” any more. I will be a full-time student, that works that is. I am still unemployed in the sense that I don’t have a real job. A permanent job that is. I am just a temp. That needs unemployment insurance when I am unemployed.

I don’t like the fact that I just cannot say that I am the wrong person for the job. I don’t like the fact that I am not allowed to say no thanks. I am unsatisfied with the fact that the ad didn’t say what type of work tasks it would include. I cannot work such a job with such high risk. I don’t want such a bad work environment. It is a bad work environment for me. I know I will be wasted when I come home and have no energy left. I will just sleep after work everyday… I won’t have energy to live, just survive and nothing more. Can anyone understand I don’t want such a job? I wish I was allowed to be honest and say that I would get drained on energy in such a job and that I have no energy to have such work tasks. It was the right “title”, but the wrong job.

I have been to another interview to. One person that I attend classes with, has also been to interview for the same job. We have a similar job experience, but that person has worked another 8 years in that field. I wonder what the employer is most interested in? Age and experience? Or enough experience and neither old or young? If the second, then they can interview me, otherwise they can chose the other…. or if none of us is interesting, then they want someone young and “lightly” experienced… or another gender? Who knows? I am not expecting shit on that job. I was even suprised to be called for an interview. I haven’t worked in the field for five years now. The years just go by. I have worked in IT, but not in my specialisation for many years. To many ghosts from my past hunt me and I don’t want to meet them in the “inner club of admiration”, which is very easy to do in my field. I am tired of meeting them. I was suprised I had never meet any of my course mates in the this course I study. None. They are all from my field, but other occupations, but still the same area.

That job I could work at, but I don’t know if I would like it, but I would accept it. I know the work place. I know people that work there. I might function there. If I would do a good job? No idea, it has been such a long time. Perhaps I am out of date. I am older. Can I keep up? Catch up? Can I? I don’t know. Do I want to? I hate the constant learning process in my specialisation. Everything goes so fast. I would enjoy to have the same competence each day, without constant learning…. I am getting old.

The first interview I wrote about – honestly – I don’t want that fucking job. The second job – I can work there, I accept the salary, that is high and wonderful. However the work tasks? Most likely VERY BORING. I am tired of my work old work field. I don’t want such a job, just the salary.

What job do I want? I know what I want… but I haven’t set a goal to achive it. I seldome set goals. If you don’t set goals you don’t know how to reach them. I just know how I would like to live my life. I live in the wrong city. I want to be closer to my family. I want to return home. That is what I want. Therefore no job in Stockholm would ever satisfy me. I want to go home. For that I need to take my classes and study. I need a new major. I have tried to get a job there… for so long… and not succeeded. Not just any job, a good job. There are few jobs there. My partner also would need one… perhaps it is to diffucult. I know what I want in my heart. It is possible, but not as long as my partner says no to moving without me having a “real” job. I don’t like Stockholm, never have.