I am a good worker, but still I do not feel like being a good employee. I do what the work requires, but still I do not believe in myself somehow. I always feel like I am going away from were I am at. Continously moving on. Never staying foot in one place. It must be due to me actually not staying foot anywhere. Being a temp for so many times has made me used to the rootlessness of being a temp. Constantly going to the next place, planning the next day. However living here, right now in the moment. Contradictionary? Perhaps.
I haven’t really stayed at any work place for many years. I do not know what that feels like. However I have had the same family and friends for a long while, those are constant. I have the same hobbies, but even that has been fluxuating somehow. I have studies as a hobby really. I study and study. I have no real purpose with it. I have no job or dream employer in my mind when studying. I just do it anyway. However I change the subject each semester, so I have change there as well, as in my work life.
However, my pets, my living quaters, family, friends are more non changeable. I cannot even meet new friends, since I do not try to get to know anyone really. Why should I?
I however do not know what I am really. I am like in the movie Diversity, changeable, adaptable to many things. However I have no one thing I am really into. I am interested in many things. So what should such a person do?
I feel like shit, my resumé is shit. My life experiences are to many. I feel cut off when trying to summarize the most important things. It is like not presenting the whole product. I do not feel suited for this world somehow. I feel I am to diversified, therefor so uninteresting for an employer. So why do I even try to find work? Well, I have a family to support.
I got that job, but then again, it is not what I want to do. It is just a job. Not at all what I want. I haven’t signed on yet, so I still am hoping someone else gives me a better job, so I can say no thanks. It is far away also, it will take time to travel. It will cost money. I do not really feel like having that job. sigh
My summer job will start soon enough and it will go on for one month this summer. Am I supposed to start the new job directly after? I want some time off before I do. Otherwise I have worked without vacation once more. I never get vacation. Being unemployed is not vacation. I cannot travel. I cannot do anything really. I am a slave to the state, I have to apply for jobs all the time. I have to be available 24-7.
I feel so… I do not want the job in my old occupation. I really don’t. I do not even want it within IT either. I do not want… what do I want? I do not know. I just want a job where I do not have to travel, were the money is good and the tasks are suitable for someone like me, were the colleagues are satisfied with my work effort. Is this to much to ask for? I do not want a dirty job. I want a office job. It can be boring, as long as it isn’t to boring, so that I want to sleep.
I have three degrees and an education from high school as well. On top of this many other certificates and courses from my former employers. But what am I to do with that? My experience is so multi, so people cannot see any “speciality”, even though I have. However I do not feel like working in that. To much post traumatic stress just thinking about it. To much bad experiences from people.
So what do I want? I think I rather be a millionaire and not work at all. Sorry, but then I wouldn’t feel this pressure to have to be something I am not. I might have a brain and be a thinker, but somehow not many are so interested in such employees, since they rather have yes-saying non thinking robots. I will never be such a person. I do not strive to be a robot.
I have applied for more jobs, that I won’t get. I do not think I am that experienced in the fields I would like to work in. Education is worth nothing out there. Experience is much more wanted. Contacts to. I would never use contacts to get a job. I wouldn’t like my friends to get into trouble if I wouldn’t fit in. And the young, yes saying robots with perfect CV’s are the wanted. I am old, diversified and a thinker, how uninteresting.